Feeling frazzled and 100 years older

So.....

This sums it up really

Max starts school again on Wednesday, his anxiety levels have risen at the thought of this prospect where as I am giddy with excitement

The holidays have been long for him, I feel for children with autism plunging them in to 6 weeks of mayhem, because actually thats what it is, its so unfair.

Summer School - theres a thought, not for the whole of the 6 weeks but for some of it, familiar surroundings and faces, anyway like thats gonna happen as that would be far to child centred and logical

Maxs behaviours have been off the scale, he finds it so difficult. To give him credit he does try really hard to occupy his day but the only time of each day that really makes sense to him is dinner, bubbles and bath. Some days dinner has been at 3pm!!!

He has been skipping breakfast, having diet coke and cheese strings for lunch, now before you ll start wagging your fingers at me with the 'your the mum, you give him the food' he is completely frazzled in his head, his structure, the very thing that keeps him together and 'in place' has gone

I must just say Max has the best diet out of all my children ! he east really well, loves his food and thankfully doesnt only eat certain foods - its just the summer has upset his routine

This is not as easily rectified at home, he has a daily planner that i have on the fridge (he has thrown away most of my laminates for it ....ie- breakfast & lunch!!

See the missing pictures!!! looks' a bit blank really 

Sadly, due to his high anxiety levels he refuses to go to any kind of day clubs out of home, he has even refused to go out with his 1-1 worker who comes every Sunday for 4 hours. He has been with us  every day for the whole holidays. I would love for him to get out and about but he point blank refuses, to the extent he tears off calendar pages if he sees activities written down
This makes for a very wound up 12yr old boy!

There have been a few traumas.... like he broke our bed in half from jumping like a trampoline , breaking his own toys, ripping up books, throwing food, juggling fruit, hitting, kicking, a disastrous shoe shop trip where he kicked out and screamed the shop down *insert "regular families continuing around you"

He has cost me a small fortune too, in itunes episodes of shows, amazon orders and food! Again, these 'treats' are usually used as reward for good behaviours and listening..... but I tend to buy extra things for him over the summer as it fills a gap in his day, the time where he isnt bored because he can watch something new. One bonus though was he discovered the Xbox! Reece wouldn't think so mind you as this is his 'baby' LOL, however I should probably be concerned that Max likes GTA ...... driving cars and blowing them up...... *insert eye roll here*

Sadly his behaviours have affected how he gets on whilst out, any one that knows Max will know his regular Saturday trip to pundland is a big part of his week, even this has become tricky. I think alot of his issues are borne of anxiety, he has been referred to a psychiatrist so lets see what the outcome of that is. I am generally not very patient with 'proffesionals' as they are strangers who do not know your child, there is no consistency in services, but as a family we have come to the realisation that Max needs help, more than we can give him. It our job to help him, to help with his anxiety to hope that it will allow him to enjoy his life a bit more????

When you see your younger children 'jumpy' around their brother because his behaviour can be so unpredictable its time to think of a plan B .....

Anyhow ... enough of the pitty party, I have had enough of these recently, and if Clive & I were married (Ssssh living in sin is the new married!!) we would have divorced, summer holidays magnify things so much more, the guilt that you cant do what everyone else does, that the other children miss out .... it goes on and on , oh and the why me always creeps in. To say 'I wouldnt change him for the world' well thats a pile of crap because I would wish a thousand wishes for Max not to have autism because its shit!

*and breath* ........

Tuesday night should be interesting, the night before school - this is a night where Max never sleeps until he can get in bed with me, he paces, up and down with his fingers in his ears, anxiety overload

So, I started the blog at the beginning of the holidays.... we made it (mostly) as I type Max is sat next to me sniffing my neck and touching a freckle on my shoulder.... sensory ?? MUCH !!!!

He is kicking me off the PC now as he needs a Fleetwood Mac & Supertramp fix

This was last nights music fix 

Thanks for reading, peace and love and all that jazz
see you on the other side, i'll make the tea if you bring the cake

Martina :-)


ps - thank you to my online buddies that have listened to me all summer

pps - im off to cook a roast dinner (maxs orders) and listen to Ed Sheeran !!!!

ppps -  have you watched Derek ?? Ricky Gervais ..... GENIUS!!!!

#justsaying

bye xx

Selfie Sunday

Hello everyone, 

Max asked me to go on the trampoline for the first time all week yesterday, he's usually asking me every day! He keeps trying to push me into the swimming pool aswell...that water is freezing! 

Online Gaming With Autism: 

My main hobby is playing games, and Max enjoys playing too. It just so happens that I was playing online with my friend, who's younger brother also has autism. His brother was telling him where to go in the game, and what to do, when Max walks into my room and asks for a go on Grand Theft Auto! So in the end, Max was controlling the car that my friend's character was sitting in! What a coincidence is that?! 

He's upstairs now watching videos, he's getting slightly better at managing his time without the routine that school brings.

Selfie Sunday

Back home for the second day now. Not much has happened in terms of bloggable content but I'll try to write some stuff anyhow...
Max has been more relaxed and calm since we've come home, he has part of his routine back.. And knows that he can go to poundland on the weekends. He was shouting a lot on the drive back from wales because he wanted to blow pieces of carrier bag down Twickenham high street (one of his new obsessions is blowing things that float around with the wind) we had to say no.. Which caused him to have a half hour session of screaming and kicking the car window...

The Stealth Sneeze... 

There I was, about to take the selfie with Max and Bailey when Max had a massive sneeze. Spit sprayed all over my Ipad and arm... Lovely. Bailey found it funny when I was wiping it off my screen, I think even Max was laughing a little too! 

The Broken Bed...

Max likes to close himself in rooms on his own, because sometimes he doesn't want anyone to disturb him. Today he was in my mum and dad's room, watching his daily dose of crying babies and airplane take offs, when he stood up and jumped on the bed as if it was a trampoline. And guess what. He broke it, yup, he bounced on it so hard that the actual metal supports bent. The things he gets up to in his spare time, eh.

Anyways, I'm off to have a bounce on the trampoline with Max. Bye! 

Silent Sunday

Home in one piece.... kind of

So.... If you follow the MaxDout facebook page  you would have spotted some holiday snaps
We all went away to Wales and stayed in a lovely house nestled in the Brecon Beacons, we stayed there last year and had such a nice time we decided to go back again

Max always gets some holiday related anxiety, almost panic buying (he gets that from me!) this year he did however really seems to struggle with the whole change, this started on the journey there, we needed to make a few stops on the way to get more bubble liquid - he had 14 litres of the stuff already, we have gotten him down to 1 litre a day so we averaged 7 litres would do it but doubled up just incase!

However..... he bought a bag full of various bubbles before we could even leave the town centre to start the drive to Wales, oh and sweets, and walkers crisps and baby shampoo and drinks

Jeepers its endless!

I think this year Max found the whole holiday experience difficult, he over thought everything and found managing his days difficult. We tend not to do the 'usual' things people do when on holiday, mind you what do people usually do??

No trips out or meals in restaurants, it tends to end in some kind of disaster, we managed a trip to the Brecon Beacons where max blew his bubbles and the kids decided they wanted to fly their kites....
Max lasted 15mins and then sat in the back of the car screaming, this sounded great when the American tourists cycled past and stopped to chat to the kids about their kites (we have tinted windows on the car so no one can see in at the back) there was just the howling.... :-)

His 15mins on the Beacons!! 

Playing with Dad 

This year we had more kicking, screaming, hitting siblings, hitting objects, throwing things.

Seriously, they call it a holiday?? It is hard to know what to do, it is a 24hr a day 365 day s of the year  quest to help him, calm him and make him feel stress free and to keep him centred, its easy for him to go off balance even with all the planning and social stories in the world

What do you do? stay home, never go out or drive 4 hours to spend a fortune on a house where you stay in there only you police him all the time as he keeps getting up to mischief!?

Maybe I am having what I call a pity party!! woe is me and all that, but there were some moments where i really had had enough. There we a few 'grown up rows' I made a few SOS calls to friends on line (thank you, you know who you are)

Is it too much for him?

Yes probably

It wasn't really 7 days of trouble, more 6.5

Max's siblings had some goods times, building fires and building camps, I do think they are the most forgiving kids ever, as a parent it is hard to watch them miss out, or is that my perception of thinking they miss out, is spending time together enough? I wonder do they get the best of us as parents

Reece, Bailey & Evie built a den in the woods 

Bloody hell, I am having a pitty party!!!

Holidays with kids eh, easy peasy

Max thinks he is going on an aeroplane next year to go to a warm not hot place with a pool (his words), I wont go on but the last time we travelled on a plane with Max he had the mother of all meltdowns on the plane.... spent the 2hr flight locked in the toilet (insert shaking mother here and lots of passengers giving me 'that look' of god i feel so sorry for you !!! )

Trip to a Spanish hospital was needed for diazepam for the flight home - I said never again

BUT - I LOOKED AT VILLAS LAST WEEK!!!!!!!  Now I am thinking should I just take the other children on an all inclusive hotel holiday abroad, let them enjoy peace and normality (what is bloody normal anyway)

But the heart hurts at the thought of not going with Max, god guilt is a bitch sometimes

We are home now, Max completly lost the plot just as we go to our home town wanting to do loads of things - shopping trips and blowing bubbles at random shops, he is so consumed with anxiety and a bit of OCD, the car windows were nearly kicked, hes getting pretty feisty!
The only saving grace was his 2 VHS videos he ordered off Amazon whilst he was away had arrived - did you see that? yes Internet shopping whilst away .... more anxiety busting escapades, he needs his own wage cheque at the moment.

The stress of the journey got too much today 

Anyway, I don't mean for this post to sound really down, we love Max so much but this is the hardest job in the world, sometimes it is completely overwhelming and you question what the hell you are doing and if you are doing a crap job of it all

And breath.....

Right, I am signing off

Normal nonsense will resume tomorrow, I'm off to put on my big girl knickers and stop acting such a fool

Peace & love and headaches all round

M xx

Last night of Holiday bedtime selfie! 

(after max launched my phone across the room twice in the process)

'Courage is asking for time out

to shed a tear, to dust yourself off and then get back

in the ring to fight like you've never fought before'

its not really a fight!!  but saw this quote today and liked it  

Sunday Selfie

So...

I woke up this morning to a complimentary trampoline treatment... Yep, he was jumping on me at 8 o'clock in the morning. He is enjoying his holiday so far, throwing cups at windows and jumping up and down in the puddle of a stream, and asking for a "horsey" ride home.

He's had his bath now, and is watching YouTube videos of airplanes taking off and landing.. Strange child :) 

See you next Sunday!